Soundtrack To Your Escape

(The day the music turned on)

Dear Pais,
Remember what it was like. The day the music turned on and I found myself pacing down the damp streets to the front of your work. Down the downtown streets of San Francisco. Band of Horses was playing, "No One's Going to Love you More," in the car. Nathan and I were listening to it before we got to San Francisco. I just got back from Napa and I wanted to tell you all about it. And you didn't show up. In fact, you refused to come down to meet me. And I walked back and forth from the bus station to your work. I just got back from Napa and I wanted to tell you all about it. The next morning I could hear the first 5 notes played in the beginning to "The Funeral," by Band of Horses.

We should hang out soon,

Jonathan

P.S. I turned into everything you wanted me to.

Dear Ava,
I remember when I first heard the song. I found it on Pandora, listening to a mix of One Republic and SafetySuit. And this song came up. "They bring me to you," by Josh Radin. I remember learning the song on guitar. How I knew it was for someone special. Someone that the lyrics were actually pending for, waiting for, wanting for me to display it for. Then you came back. It was 12 midnight when I called and you picked up. And after the long 6 hour talk in the parking lot over cookies and milk that took so long to find, after the Denny's, the sunrise covered behind gray clouds and morning dew left over the words on the South San Francisco hill, we were here in your tiny living room, lit up from one halogen lamp, as I played the song on nylon strings while you sat in front of me at 8am before I slept in the living room waiting to wake up to you. You came back to me. But, it was only for that day.

I hope you're not mad,
Jonathan

Dear Ani,

"Could I kiss you," I asked and for some reason the song started playing, you looked at me and agreed. If infatuation was really everything it's cracked up to be, then here it is, sitting in the chair in front of me. Here, in the teen pregnancy clinic waiting room, I know, of all places to have a first kiss. Your skin, your eyes, the way your hair hung down, simple, small, the white wool peacoat, the violet blouse, scarf, it was all too perfect. You were too perfect. I'd throw everything away, if I could just get one more loopy extravagant embarrassing literary text. The song continued to play, as I positioned myself in front of you and stared at your very pink lips. "Go where ever you will go," by The Calling. How cheesy. How random. The way the chorus started playing once we started kissing. Once we tried not to stop. Well until you actually did to start laughing. You started laughing, and I asked you what was it, even though I knew it was the music.

Send me a text,
Jonathan

It's weird how sometimes music binds itself to a moment. I could go on and on. But it just so happens that as I got to Ani, I realized these were the three girls I've had oneitis for. Since Pais was the most recent, I've been having trouble listening to Band of Horses. There was also the time when we were in my car that I turned on the radio and Matt Nathanson's, "Come on Get higher," started playing while our lips were brushing each others, and then she told me about emotional attachments and how she didn't want that. Then there's also the car ride home, after I kissed Ava at the doorway of her house, which I thought was so cliche that I started laughing. Savage Garden's, "I know I loved you," started playing. These aren't exactly songs I chose to describe where I was at that moment. They're songs that just turned on, that was just there, that somehow appeared somewhere when that moment meant something. I didn't ask for The Calling to turn on while I was kissing Ani, it just happened. And now, when it turns on, when it presses play, I'll be honest, it hurts a little.

I guess that's why I'm writing this, which is why I'm writing this and listening to the soundtrack to my oneitis life. It's hell. And it hurts.

-Trig