My name's Jonathan. As much as I would like to be more focused on life, I'm not. I'm not really. I learned Flightless Bird American Mouth by Iron and Wine on guitar a few days ago when I found the song, realizing that it was the song at the end of Twilight the first edition. I like Twilight, I'll admit it. I like werewolves in a whimsical manner. I read the yahoo article of Conan O'Brien's affair with Jay Leno on 60 minutes. I spend shitloads of time on facebook. I also spend a shitload of time watching porn that I'm learning how to regain that love I once had for genuine touch. I ate grilled pork with rice today, and spent 12 dollars today on BART tickets, Samtrans, and a very nonrecreational burrito.
I'm just a normal guy taking everything one day at a time. I dream, yeah, I dream. And in some occasions, I do. I do things, and I want things, and I chase after those things until I can't anymore, and all I'm left is thoughts in a self murdering manner. I work so hard it makes me throw up. I try so hard and sometimes it seems all things are just taken from me. I go home, wherever I can. Then I wake up, get over it, and do it over and over and over and over and over and over and god damn over and over again. When in doubt, I need to read, I need to research, because there has to be a way, there just has to. I've been thinking about getting a tatoo that says "HOPE" on the back of my forearm. I've been thinking about a lot of things.
I sarged today at Berkeley with Dimitri and a guy named Will. I'll get to that soon.
I'll also get to finish my Greyhound story. - Meeting Nathan's Ana. - Trisha. - 3 kiss closes on a friday. - 1 number close on Sunday. - Anna.
.... soon.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I'm supposed to text the following people:
Jasmine: Black and white and oh gee what an awesome body. Kiss closed at a bar within 7 minutes.
Kaylee: The only girl that didn't have boyfriend on sunday day game.
Maybe Ashlee: Really hot blonde girl that I have no idea what to do with. Tried to kiss her after I got her phone number in a quick number close. SOOOOO did not work.
Rosie Mayb: The friendly girl who I made out with who has a boyfriend.
Melanie: The kinda European looking girl I caught using an indirect number close.
AnneMarie: The really cool girl on the Bart.
And I'm going out with Dimitri tomorrow, this is getting blah.
I’m going out tomorrow with PUA’s.Dimitri something something sent me an invite.
All these things are happening, and for some reason I don’t feel like writing.Even before I should write, I should definitely get some reading done, maybe steal another book, or more traditionally earn it.Planning to read Fyodor and Charlotte Bronte.Anyways, this isn’t usually what people look at my blog for.
Today, I want to make some notes about today before I actually get into just the raw update of things.Today, I went on a dinner date, which is a total no no.It’s bullshit don’t do it.I payed 30 bucks out of my ass, and really the only time I spend that type of money is when I’m with friends.Don’t spend money on dinner because:
-It doesn’t allow you a lot of time to talk simply because you’re eating.And putting your food in your mouth and talking is totally dumb.
-Secondly, you don’t have access to kino.
-Thirdly, during dinner dates, there’s always this very definitive time as to when the date will end, which is practically after dinner.What pissed me off the most is that I did pay for dinner, and she wanted to just go home.The truth is because she felt as if she didn’t go home at that very second, that I would somehow have sex with her.Dinner dates are traps, don’t do it.
I ended with a lot of groping and making out.Which is cool, but it just wasn’t cool at all.Okay back to the update.
Remember that time when I left a few weeks ago, I guess the word is Hiatus I guess, I left to go to get a magazine job.Let’s break it down to people.
Dominique:
I had just reached the Greyhound, guitar and luggage in hand.As I stood next to this really suburban black girl looking for my seat, I still scoured other seats to see if there was any other takers I could take advantage of.There was none.I sat down, and before I knew it Dominique was a talking talk talk.As we reached one stop on the path to Santa Rosa, Dominique and I headed to the back as I was trying to build momentum together.As we settled in the back, I took her camera and started taking pictures of both of us.I leaned my lips forward to her and took the picture.
The Greyhound started moving.I started playing with Dominique’s dress, realizing that she didn’t fancy a bra.I placed my lips here and there on her body.We moved amongst ourselves over the seats as people looked and glared.At one point, I pulled myself out of my pants and she touched it.Didn’t exactly go anywhere past that.She got off at San Rafael.
Red headed girl:
Before she was going to take the seat in front of me next to some creepy old guy I started moving my stuff to be perceived as more cordial.She ended up sitting next to me.She was 17, visiting her brother in College.I pulled out the same confidence I threw at Dominique and it didn’t work on her.My game has become more of a very direct persistent shape, and I should really stop doing that.I should really work on building attraction through kino and building comfort.Our conversation reached a wall where she just didn’t want to be bothered.
The Job, Sam, and Brittany:
As soon as I walked in to the job where I had to sell magazines door to door, I was greeted by a very lost big white kid.He was high.He was gansta rap, as in loser’esk, with nothing going for him.I met up with a quite emphatic black guy who’s overall ordeal was being the blackest guy there.This Romanian which was just rude.And more crap.I was greeted by the rest of the crew.There was three or four girls, three important ones.Brittany, Sam, and Kisha, all taken.Sam was the first to introduce herself to me, when the only girl anyone talked about was Brittany.Sam was quite a tom boy, a pretty adorable tomboy, and Brittany was your nerdy girl with an attitude.Kisha was just the fat girl, the typical obvious fat girl, who mentions that she was the fat girl of the group and that everyone had to feed her.I slept on a bed the first night, while people were smoking weed next to me.Once I started out I realized that I was always buying food.I don’t know why, but I was.I was buying a lot of food and asking if anyone was hungry, and they were!The job overall sucked.It was selling magazine subscriptions door to door.It sucked.The first night of training, we ended up at a Lucky’s and I bought a large amount of Chinese food at their indoor Chinese restaurant.When Brittany came in she was freezing.I told her to touch my neck and when she realized how warm it was she put both hands on them.It’s because of my disease, Hyperthyroidism.It was cute, I felt like I had super powers.I brought the Chinese food to the meeting room, placed it on the table and sat down eating.Brittany joined me by sitting opposite of me, and immediately chemicals of oneitis started rushing into my cerebellum.
Brittany’s boyfriend was Tyson, Sam’s was Joe.Joe was really cool, really hipster, really tried to warm up to me.I didn’t get enough time to make any judgement of Tyson.Sam made quite an effort to comfort me, asking me to hang out and if I wanted to play Soul Caliber.
The Call Girl:
If it wasn’t evident before, we were staying at hotel rooms, much like an inn where it’s an outdoor apartment.One night I saw this really old guy accompanied by a young thin girl, short skirt, and tank top.I asked her what was up with that guy she was hanging out with.I forget what she said.I started building kino with her, hugging her, and twirling her.We started walking.“Yeah, there’s a bunch of guys looking for me,” she said.“They’re hunting you down, why would they be doing that?” I replied.“No reason, they probably just don’t like me.I’m probably going to head back to my inn, are you looking for company tonight.”She was a hooker.She was a 19 year old, Latina hooker.I had her drop me off to Brittany’s and Kisha’s room.Brittany saw her and yelled outside, I doubt anyone heard.I felt dirty.I washed my face, and changed my shirt.I just hugged a hooker.
The day I left, Brittany came up to me and was the last person to ask me why I left.She just concluded that it wasn’t for me, when everyone thinks it is.I left to the inn lobby. Being that I haven’t been there for 2 weeks, I would have to buy my own Greyhound ticket.I kind of felt that I should stay, but only for Brittany, I think her and Tyson broke up.It didn’t matter though, I shouldn’t spent more time at a job I hate just to be with a girl I like.
Fat guy working at the lobby:
How PUA’s approach guys is also part of game.So this guy, he seems really cool actually.I was actually very condescending.As soon as I saw him type with his two fingers, I stated, “So I’m guessing typing isn’t your strongpoint.”I ended up talking to him for several hours and then going to a terrible steamed hotdog place, then going back to him.As he printed my Greyhound ticket I stated, “So is this always what you wanted to do with your life?”He told me off, “Shut up, no seriously shut up!What kind of question is that, is this always what I wanted to do with my life.Of course, it’s just stuff happens, and you end up here.”Yadda yadda yadda.He apologized after saying maybe it’s just how he took it.I should really not tease fat men, only HB’s are meant to be teased.
Redding girl:
As I waited, a white average, actually below average sort of, girl came to sit in the lobby.I told her about the magazine job, and the people, and how it sucked, and how I inhale weed as I sleep.She was very average, I knew that even though our conversation was going rough I could’ve still kiss closed her.But then Ashlee came over.
Ashlee…. the other girl.
Ashlee came in with legs up to her very very short ripped off jeans.She was headed over to San Diego.She was the type of girl that as soon as she talked she had the floor, and as soon as that happened, nobody wanted the ability to hear.She was your typical high school drop out, with potential.She talked to befriend everyone.Her slutty look wasn’t helping her.
As we stood outside waiting for the Greyhound, Ashlee started looking around.“Sorry, am I being obvious,” Ashlee said to Redding girl, “It’s just I don’t want my pimp to find out I’m leaving this place.”She looked around again and cut off all doubt, “Yeah, I’m a whore,” she said.Ashlee’s story was that she made eye contact with her pimp, and once someone does that to a pimp, her whole life is to him.No matter what if that pimp finds her, he can take her and make her do anything he wants.She was running away to San Diego to get homage from her parents.She wanted to start a new life.
The Greyhound arrived, and no pimp was in sight.I watched the people walking off the bus, scanning to see who had potential to sit next to.A girl wearing a blue track jacket walked by and I thought that she looked purdy and not a whore.The plan was for me, Redding, and the newly admitted whore, to sit together.Once Ashlee announced that she was a play play bunny, I didn’t want to sit next to her and catch a seat transmitted disease.The only three set of seats was in the very back.Ashlee and Redding ended up sitting next to two very AFC looking guys who were obviously going to talk to them.Ashlee told me to take the seat next to this sleeping bum.I looked at her as if she was insane.I took my seat in front of the emergency escape door, only to meet the girl with the blue jacket.
Melody:
Being that I was tired, sleepy, and lacking of much emphasis, I let the set flow with itself.We were in a forced set, she pretty much had to talk to me, and vice versa.Our conversation was the usual Greyhound talk, where you heading and why.We blasted through a shit load of interview questions and things actually started getting riper.For some reason, she too, also worked the hellish job of working door to door selling magazines and also left the same week.My mom called me and asked me for a ride, after I hung up on her, Melody and I started talking about family, something about her dad that I don’t remember.Then her little brother.“So have you ever went streaking before?” I asked.She said yes in a very comfortable manner.I told her my big long story of how I first went streaking with my cross country team.It was a lie, a lie that I’ve kept for so long, it could be true.She actually went skydiving naked with a group of people that included her brother.Our conversation was heading forward.
As we stop at San Rafael, Dominique, the black girl that I meant going to Santa Rosa, was outside.I built kino with Melody by trying to hide behind her.She showed up right in front of us saying “Hey!”I asked her where she got off and she said Oakland. I was getting off at Oakland too.I really wanted to work on Melody, so I told her to take her seat and I’d meet her after.For a minute she hesitated, but ultimately took her seat in front of the bus.I came back to Melody.
“So I went to this house, me and the guy training me, Cameron.And we were getting this sale from this woman who’s mom was dying.Anyways, when we were leaving this lady totally told me that I was racially beautiful,” I said to Melody off in anecdotal captions.“Well you are racially beautiful,” Melody replied.I gave her a sigh of adornment, and kissed her on her forehead.I pointed to her lips and leaned forward.She caught me.
“I don’t know a lot of guys who’d do that, you’re very brave,” Melody said.Melody’s a good HB8.5.She had large Italian tits and beautiful awakened eyes.After I had kissed her, she told me about how she just broke up with her boyfriend and her long relationship with him.She found this comforting because she had been feeling weaker since the break up.She found me to be either right on the time and right on the button, or just really lucky.I pressed my lips against hers.Her tongue stroked my mouth like a strong wave.I liked it.I liked kissing her.There’s only so many people that my lips can join with and feel easily moved, and Melody was one.
As we got off the train, all happy and what not, we had to meet with Dominique.I quickly introduced them.Melody was taking the next train out, killing our plans to grab a beer.I asked Dominique to watch my bags as I took Melody into the train station.I told her I didn’t want Dominique seeing that I’m kissing you, because she sort of likes me, but I kind of don’t like her.I think I actually said, I wasn’t attracted to black chicks.It’s a lie, but whatever.Again, Melody’s tongue felt like a wave running through my mouth.
I kind of feel like I should’ve got her into the bathroom and had her give me a blowjob, but the bathrooms were in the open, I wouldn’t be able to sneak her in, and we wouldn’t have time.I walked her outside and left her with a hug.Dominique and I, being that we had to be back at 6 and it was 4, went off at Oakland.
So Friday. Friday Friday Friday. Bar hopping. Solo. A few numbers. 3 kiss closes.
I was looking for Krista again. The one who, you know, stuff. I called her before I got there. I even bought a white mocha for her. As soon as I got there, she wasn't there anymore. The girl at the front desk was giving me shit, acting as if I could've been a stalker. Well... nevermind. I placed the white mocha at the feet of a homeless person asking for change. I couldn't believe it. I just can't. My mind started disorienting, and when your heart beats 4 times faster than your average bear, I was definitely going through some shit.
I opened the closest girl I could meet, the girl at the bus stop. She was okay. But if I wanted to get out of this slump I needed to warm up, I needed to ease myself out of anxiety. I opened her, and as soon as I did, I realized, how I'm hella out of it. I was just so not ready for game. Gaming. All of it. I'm not ready for it. I opened. Talked. Got shot down. Reason: "I have a man," she said word for word.
I walked around for a bit. The next girl I warmed up on was a shallow latina looking girl. "You have an incredibly sexy shoulder!" "Oh thank you," she said, "Do you have a cigarette?" "No, I don't," I should've said, no but I have some crack.. .just kidding. I'm losing game.
We talked for a bit, she was actually really Russian. She had wavey hair, like Elizabeth Berkeley in Saved by the Bell. I only know that name because of Showgirls. Anyways, we were heading to 711, and we were also heading into another fail. "I'm actually meeting up with my boyfriend....."
FUCK!
Notes:
I use to be so good at grabbing women who have boyfriends. I use to have so much more higher standards. But, let's go into why I suck shall we?
The number close is actually a very key element. Everyone thinks when you have a large amount of attraction, then your set. That may be true. But, the right number close will somehow always get you a likely percentage of being able to take the number. The right number close can close the deal on practically any and any girl. Boyfriend or no boyfriend.
The "Proper Number Close" goes like this:
Step 1: "Hey, so my friends are having a bonfire/show/tuesday this weekend, you should totally come." ... she talks. Step 2: "Okay here," pull out phone and stretch your hand out so that's in between you and her, and the phone is right in front of her, "Here put your number in my phone."
I haven't been doing any of this really. I've more or less been the one simply asking people for their numbers.
After walking a 2 block distance around where Krista worked, I ended up looking out at the building. I got into my car and started driving.
I was heading just a few blocks up to the Richmond. I looked over to... Y'know for a minute there I took two seconds to think about my targets. How I've suddenly lost standards. I looked at my niece, the one I'm taking care of so my sister can party, and realized, y'know I'm better than what I'm doing. I could do more. I just am not doing it.
I looked over to the side to find people in front of a neon lit bar. I also saw the girl passing by the neon lit bar wearing what looked like a grandma sweater. I still wasn't cool. I wasn't sane. Without numbers, I didn't get that successful satisfied feeling. I wasn't fueled, I was strictly running on hope.
We texted two days ago to meet up, nothing really interesting happened. It was more like us trying to figure out where were going to meet up. The day after we didn't meet up, were supposed to but didn't. Anyway's here's the texting from today:
ME: Am I too late to rsvp for tonight? HB: Lol I'm still workin for a bit longer
HB: Off now. What's up? ME: I'm going to get naked, take off all my clothes, and take a shower. I'll call you after. HB: Lol ok just text me
ME: Hey u, I'm fresh and clean now HB: LOl that's good ME: (I called her, no answer) R u not in the business for cute phone talk anymore HB: Sorry I'm just with my grandparents. That's why I told you to text me. ME: Dinner with grandma and grandpa? Aren't you a perfect sweet lil girl. HB: Ha yea ok ME: So r we gunna meet after dinnner HB: I thot you were goin to dinner HB: I mean I thought you were goin to the bar? Me: Yeah, a bar, but my friends bringing his girlfriend out to napa to meet his parents. Tonight's very pg. Me: no, as much as i love a home cooked meal i think u comin out tonights a lot better HB: Ah you shoulda gone i didn't think you'd wanna get together tonight Me: hmm does that mean u can't break curfew HB: Lol no i just got tricked by my grandparents Me: Trickd HB: Yea. Shits been really rocky at my house none of us have really been speaking and they asked me to go to dinner with them and it turned into a whole big family discussion that I didn't wanna have Me: Sweet u wanna tell me all about it tonite HB: Well see that's the thing... about half way thru the convo I got so pissed and stressed that I popped a few pills and I think I'm in for the night lol Me: Happy pills or sad pills HB: Happies lol I forgot to mention pills are my main bad habit Me: Do u want me to come over and kiss u. HB: I don't have ppl over here Me: Cute. Well we could meet up tomorrow b4 i have work HB: When do you work Me: *pm HB: Where do you work? Me: *gym, no work sex HB: Lol what do you mean no work sex? Me: Janitors room, u puttin on a really short skirt, sliding ur panties off, liftin ur legs up, and nailing u to the wall HB: Wow lol I think I may hold out on you for a bit... This could be fun for me lol Me: Thanks i think ur hot too HB: Random lol
I stopped texting because I wanted to get a sandwich across the street before it closed, and I didn't text my phone.
HB: Where did that come from? HB: So your anti text now?
ME: whoa there cowgirl! this horsey was just busy. u sleepin HB: No lol I'm bored Me: (called again, no answer) Well i don't have space for text huns HB: Text me. I don't like talking on the phone. HB: :( ok well i'm watchin a movie with my grandma so I can't really tale HB: What do you mean you don't have space?
Me: U wanna come over HB: Right now?? Me: Yah, do u want me to pick u up or do u wanna come here HB: Lol I'm already in bed floatin and look like shit HB: I have like all day tomorrow tho Me: Ok well then i'll see u tomorrow, i;ll call u when i wake up.
(no answer)
Yeah, I asked her to come out a shit load of times repetitively, but I did it with class. Until the end. The reason for that was that my sister left the house and at the moment I just flat out said I wanted her to come over. But, anyways, it was a good balance between sexualization and bullshit.
I'm listening to Bright Eyes right now. They have a song called "Old Soul Song," which I haven't heard from Nathan's super prolonged tape of Bright Eyes songs. Also, I hate to admit it, I was watching Glee. Given, I was watching Glee after I jerked off, but, however, I managed to watch several episodes earlier today on my laptop. The truth is I'm normal. The truth is that I'm not this badass muthafucker. I'm not the guy with all the extra baggage, I know most people are designed to see the first ten yards and figure out the rest, but I'm not like that. I get way more confusing as you go on, or way more normal, actually not normal, more reasonable maybe. But, probably more tolerable.
I tend to get the feedback that "I think" I'm the shit. I am. But I don't think it. It just so happens. And my inferiority is only the tell tell that's telling people that they just suck next to me. I'm not the shit. I'm just normal. In fact, I'm not normal, I'm pretty much just a vague person.
I'm pretty vague.
They might think I'm this guy who has a big dick or is making up his big dick, with severely sexual status updates, rampant suggestive phrase showdowns, all while hanging my elbows on the counter of a dive bar, but I'm really not that guy. Not that guy, to that extent. I'm really just me.
I'm not advertising a "get to know me" promo. I'm just saying. I'm just saying that I'm just saying this.
So I'm currently looking for a job as of maybe a few seconds ago. And throughout the hundreds of numbers I've gone through I've understood that it is the only the Asian people who would like to explain why they aren't hiring and why they suck, conveying a large amount of suckage and more and more suckage.
Today was epic. Like literally. I should write out the whole story sooner or later, but somewhere around the midpoint of this conversation I had with my friend, I felt like I should publish this. So, go on, read it!
Jonathan
yo
11:15pm: John Paulo
whatup
11:17pm: Jonathan
i made out with another chick today
i made out with another chick today
she touched my dick
11:18pm: John Paulo
goodjob
11:19pm: Jonathan
thanks
11:29pm: Jonathan
ok
hey
you still there?
there's more to the story
11:30pm: John Paulo
sry got a headache and tryin to sleep
11:31pm: Jonathan
hey guess what
11:33pm: John Paulo
?
11:33pm: Jonathan
so there was this girl i really liked
she wanted to be friends and i tried to kiss her
so she pushed me away and I didn't talk to her since december
I came over to her work and asked this girl, "hey does Erica still work here?"
and she said "no, she kinda dug a hole for herself,"
and I was like, "what type of hole. You could tell me we were friends back in highschool"
she replied, "oh she slept with my boyfriend and then started sleeping with all these other guys.
so there was this long awkward pause.
I looked at her and said, "Well you could have sex with my boyfriend!"
she totally threw her head back and laughed at my gayness. She said I was funny. She also said that there's no way to contact her and that she was just an ass.
So I go over to her house, ring the doorbell like 4 times.
After 7 minutes, literally 7 minutes, dad comes to answer the door
he says she usually isn't there and that i could call her. He gives me HER number
I'm like. . . okay
I call her.
She picks up, and I should really think about what I say before I call people
i tell her about Trish, the girl that works there and ask her if she's okay and what she's going throuh
boyfriend comes on the phone and tells me to, "back it!"
11:37pm: John Paulo
yikes
11:38pm: Jonathan
okay so that happens
so i'm pissed off, i go to my friends house and i could hear that people are at the door. I'm super depressed so i don't stop knocking.
someone yells, "NO ONES HERE FAGGOT!"
it's my friends room mate who's a total douche
I leave, I go back to Erica's work
the girl
I meet up with Trish
"Hey so I talked to her,"
I tell her wat happened
and we have a laugh, there's this total loser guy trying to cockblock me
but he leaves, so I straight up asks her
"I literally just came here to ask you out?" I like to think that there’s always something you could grab at times like these
Really? she replies
"Didn't you just say you were gay," she says
I know I said it, but I tell her I was just avoiding an awkward situation.
so she gets some receipt paper and gives me her number. I tell her, “you win some you lose some.”
I drive home and text her... "when do you get off work?"
so it's like 7pm now, the sun just went down, i had to get my car jumped because i left the lights on
I get to Barnes and Nobles and she's waiting in her car
So Trish tells me what really happened with her exboyfriend and Erica.
Erica had chlyamydia.
11:42pm: John Paulo
mmm
11:43pm: Jonathan
mmm? you like chlamydia?
11:43pm: John Paulo
mmm "i see"
11:44pm: Jonathan
anyways i was kinda pissed because it seemed like it was the same story over and over again
that I would meet someone and for some reason every single thing in the world would try to keep me away from that person
but it wasn't
it was good fate
but also not the best
and it sucks because she was an awesome girl
she read me a poem while we were sitting in the car
i would totally jerk off to that
Trisha wrote on her facebook status:
so strange how things work out sometimes
11:47pm: John Paulo
mmmm well what a very long and interesting story
i'd add feedback on my thoughts but i have a fat headache
all i can say is lucky you dodged a bullet
and crazy experience bro.
11:47pm: Jonathan
i still feel like i could've fucked her
but i would've caught it
but it's a waste tho, it makes me feel disappointed
like she was a sweet girl, why'd it have to happen to her
Trisha's a great girl, she's beautiful and everything, but it's just hard to let go of that, the stuff i had with Erica
Whenever this happens, it forks the road. Do I whine about it or do I make a plan.
I'm making a plan.
I need to find a job. - Due: Friday April 23, 2010.
I just joined PUAconnect.... again.
I need to reread magic bullets. Like the whole thing. - Due: Friday April 23, 2010.
I need to set days to sarge. - Due: Thursday ongoing. - Note: Need to figure out good bars on Thursday.
I need to do a lot of things.
... go!
Edit^1: 1. I just found Magic Bullets and Routines manual. 2. I need to learn Yoga. Cuz I can't concentrate. It use to be easy when I ran, but I don't run anymore. I need to focus.
I don't know what happened. It's only 1:37am. I literally have 23 minutes to get laid still. I just don't know why I'm here and not there, how come I couldn't turn it on.
Maybe it's my lack of purpose. Maybe I've been trying too hard. Maybe I should get car insurance. Maybe it's the ever so diminishing 20 bucks left in my pocket. Maybe it's social circles. Maybe, fucking maybe!
Why? Where'd it go? Why'd I lose it?
I sat at the bar today around 12:17am, and looked around trying to figure out ideas and excuses to be sitting there alone. Even though 20 minutes before I said I would do something. I'm at a lost for words, openers, anything. I just couldn't get it out of me. I drove all the way over there, thinking about it, craving the social attention, and I came over there only to be sitting, looking, waiting.
I'm home now. I don't know what to do now. What do I do now?
Dear Pais, Remember what it was like. The day the music turned on and I found myself pacing down the damp streets to the front of your work. Down the downtown streets of San Francisco. Band of Horses was playing, "No One's Going to Love you More," in the car. Nathan and I were listening to it before we got to San Francisco. I just got back from Napa and I wanted to tell you all about it. And you didn't show up. In fact, you refused to come down to meet me. And I walked back and forth from the bus station to your work. I just got back from Napa and I wanted to tell you all about it. The next morning I could hear the first 5 notes played in the beginning to "The Funeral," by Band of Horses.
We should hang out soon,
Jonathan
P.S. I turned into everything you wanted me to.
Dear Ava, I remember when I first heard the song. I found it on Pandora, listening to a mix of One Republic and SafetySuit. And this song came up. "They bring me to you," by Josh Radin. I remember learning the song on guitar. How I knew it was for someone special. Someone that the lyrics were actually pending for, waiting for, wanting for me to display it for. Then you came back. It was 12 midnight when I called and you picked up. And after the long 6 hour talk in the parking lot over cookies and milk that took so long to find, after the Denny's, the sunrise covered behind gray clouds and morning dew left over the words on the South San Francisco hill, we were here in your tiny living room, lit up from one halogen lamp, as I played the song on nylon strings while you sat in front of me at 8am before I slept in the living room waiting to wake up to you. You came back to me. But, it was only for that day.
I hope you're not mad, Jonathan
Dear Ani,
"Could I kiss you," I asked and for some reason the song started playing, you looked at me and agreed. If infatuation was really everything it's cracked up to be, then here it is, sitting in the chair in front of me. Here, in the teen pregnancy clinic waiting room, I know, of all places to have a first kiss. Your skin, your eyes, the way your hair hung down, simple, small, the white wool peacoat, the violet blouse, scarf, it was all too perfect. You were too perfect. I'd throw everything away, if I could just get one more loopy extravagant embarrassing literary text. The song continued to play, as I positioned myself in front of you and stared at your very pink lips. "Go where ever you will go," by The Calling. How cheesy. How random. The way the chorus started playing once we started kissing. Once we tried not to stop. Well until you actually did to start laughing. You started laughing, and I asked you what was it, even though I knew it was the music.
Send me a text, Jonathan
It's weird how sometimes music binds itself to a moment. I could go on and on. But it just so happens that as I got to Ani, I realized these were the three girls I've had oneitis for. Since Pais was the most recent, I've been having trouble listening to Band of Horses. There was also the time when we were in my car that I turned on the radio and Matt Nathanson's, "Come on Get higher," started playing while our lips were brushing each others, and then she told me about emotional attachments and how she didn't want that. Then there's also the car ride home, after I kissed Ava at the doorway of her house, which I thought was so cliche that I started laughing. Savage Garden's, "I know I loved you," started playing. These aren't exactly songs I chose to describe where I was at that moment. They're songs that just turned on, that was just there, that somehow appeared somewhere when that moment meant something. I didn't ask for The Calling to turn on while I was kissing Ani, it just happened. And now, when it turns on, when it presses play, I'll be honest, it hurts a little.
I guess that's why I'm writing this, which is why I'm writing this and listening to the soundtrack to my oneitis life. It's hell. And it hurts.
I went to Erika's work today. I walked through the aisles acting like I hoped I didn't see her. But, by the last aisle, I just had to ask someone. One of the employees told me she works in the morning, and all together I felt all those little threads coming together. As I walked out of her retail store, I can't help but wonder; is this healthy?
I like to think that there's a point where pick up artistry ends, and real life begins. That I could just stand outside someone's house with a box radio over my head, John Cusack style, and pry into my insides hoping that you'd answer the door. And maybe if that doesn't work, I'd go to the next door, the next girl, the next target. But, that would be bad. Bad for my health, bad for my bank account, and I hate that everyone's right when they say it's a complete waste of time.
It's not exactly oneitis as it is to be compelled by someone. I don't think you ever forget the people you think too dearly about. I don't want to use words such as infatuation or love or whatever simply because it entails a larger enticing very changeable meaning to it. But, it is what it is. If I just kept busy, if I just kept moving forward, I wouldn't have this problem. But I do. Maybe it's my bank account, my lack of actual "real" friends, not being in college, not having a social job. Maybe it's me. I don't know.
I'll be honest, I have thought about coming back to people's work after hours again. Hurting myself even more in thinking that there'd be hope for myself. To be honest, it hurts to even mention it. I've thought about coming to Krista's work and buying her a white mocha dropping it off with a minor hello, and a slight, "hey, remember me?" And coming back to Erika's house, and dropping flowers by the door, like the funeral to our friendship. I've thought about it all. And somewhere deep down, I still think it's possible. And somewhere more obvious, I know I'm just shooting myself in the face.
-Trig
On a different note: My sister and her friends are in her room talking about marriage and life partners and guys who bring strippers home who have 3 different baby momma's, and hate hate hate. Go team! It's like self mutilation.
Apparently Facebook cut off the beginning of our conversation.
From what I remember it went.
Quote:
Jon: Genetics is kicking your butt.
Norma: Kinda sorta lol. Hi
Jon: So I know your sexy and all but what makes you interesting that separates you from everyone else.
Norma: I like weed brownies. Lol
Jon: your funny.
Norma: u?
Jon: I like *something I forgot. I take showers in the dark. I do *something else. (It's not that I don't wanna share em, it's that I forgot, and they're pretty pointless.
You owe me two more
Norma: I could never take showers in the dark.
Quote:
: Jonathan
you have no idea til you try
it's something about the rain falling on you on a dark day that I try to assimilate
... you still owe me two more 2:12am: Norma
icic
well
i like talking to myself
lol 2:12am: Jonathan
good, and last? 2:12am: Norma
i like bellydancing in my bedroom where noone is looking
lol 2:13am: Jonathan
awww that sucks
maybe one of these days I'll give you a private lap dance, and you could throw me a belly dancing show 2:14am: Norma
LOL
we'll see....
well see how good ur convincing skills are 2:15am: Jonathan
hey how about we move onto something a little less artificial, what's your number again? 2:18am: Norma
lol
my fone dont work
do u not see my statuses
lol
but hrere u go
* phone number
ill let u know when it works 2:20am: Norma
sooooooooooooooooo
i still dondt know ur zodia
c 2:20am: Jonathan
I'm a gemini homie 2:21am: Norma
jp
i got u
lol
2 faced! 2:22am: Jonathan
how do you got me? 2:22am: Norma
i dunno
im like on owcrack right n
crack
rite now
ima go home 2:22am: Jonathan
you're at starbuko? 2:23am: Norma
no
my sfsu library
ima go home and passssssssssout
i have class at am
8am 2:24am: Jonathan
okay sweetheart
good luck tommorow 2:25am: Jonathan
... umm how come I don't get a little good night hug and kiss? 2:28am: Norma
lol
good night. ***hugs and kisses***
lol 2:29am: Jonathan
xoxo
*goodnight forehead kiss!
BAM! 2:29am: Norma
lol
thanks!
good nite * kiss and hug. hump. hump. hug.... depart.
lol 2:30am: Jonathan
you can't depart after hugging my leg
i mean humping my leg 2:31am: Norma
lol
yes i can 2:31am: Jonathan
no you can't 2:31am: Norma
lol 2:31am: Jonathan
copyright! 2:31am: Norma
wtf! is that ar ule?
rule? 2:31am: Jonathan
yeah it is
it's a god damn awesome one 2:32am: Norma
LOL
wtf
uma unrule it 2:33am: Jonathan
Imma kiss your mouth 2:33am: Norma
i brake this rule! I BRAKE RULES
Y 2:33am: Jonathan
you also spell terribly
because I want to
I wanna kiss you, do you wanna kiss me? 2:35am: Norma
no
not really
i still think ur not 100 straight
i dont know y i get that vibe from u sweetyheart
=/ 2:35am: Jonathan
what's so gay about me faglover? 2:37am: Norma
lol. hey! MY bff is gay! lol....
um... i dunno
i dont relly know
tooodle
nite 2:37am: Jonathan
umm ok 2:39am: Norma is offline. 2:39am: Norma is offline.
She still said I was gay. I was trying to make the conversation turn into something more than heavily pressure sex, which is smart, but just gets boring after awhile. I definitely stand by what I did which was get to build some rapport with her. Next time I see her, I'm totally kissing her.
So I left on Friday, got back on monday, and the whole time that happened I dabbed my foot into a door to door magazine sales job that sucked ass. The people were awesome. They were totally awesome. But, however, they were total stoners. I made up my excuses and bullshit, and everyone knew I just wanted to leave. It was obvious, knocking on doors for a living sucks, and not a lot of people can handle it, despite the hundreds of dollars you get in cash by the end of the night if you stick with it.
I took the Greyhound over there, and I took the Greyhound home. Honestly, what it came down to was just a long look at everyone I was working with. Obviously I was new. I quit 4 days into the program, got 3 training days, and 1 actual work day on my own where I came up with 3 sales, 30 dollars for a total of 11 hours of work. Still, if I stayed with it, I could've been making total bank just like everyone else. But, these people were doing this for months, years even, and I got to be honest, I didn't see myself wanting what they had. I looked at them and just asked myself, "Do I really want to be like them." Don't get me wrong, they were awesome and my favorite part about everything was the car rides where we were all packed and loud. But, they were stoners, transients, the "I don't give a fuck, I'm making money" crew. That's cool and all, and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's bad. I'm just saying I'd prefer to work graveyard at my gym consistently doing absolutely nothing, and get paid what I get paid, which isn't very much, and continue to not dread coming to work. It sure as hell beats knocking on people's doors.
So I met this girl at Starbucks with a friend. He opened her, but I think ultimately she opened me first when I was making sound effects with the chairs and she started smiling at me. We talked, some cold reads, boring questions, I helped her with her essay, we sat outside and ate a panini.
I sexually escalated by playing with her facebook. I added dirty status updates which she deleted almost immediately. I IM'd my friend on her facebook screen name saying things like, "I want your penis inside of me," and "Yeah, in the ass I like that," she was laughing the whole time. I tried to isolate but it didn't work, I tried to set her off to go grab something to eat, maybe play in an alley a little, but couldn't. I ended up giving her a hug goodbye, leaving her with all this sexual tension, and then flipping her hair for her like I just don't care:
This is our facebook conversation when I saw her online that night:
2:13am: Jonathan awww are you still up?
2:13am: Nora yeah. =/ still here lame!
2:13am: Jonathan lame you know what else is lame
2:15am: Nora ?
2:15am: Jonathan holy crap you went to the pillow fight i was there too!
2:15am: Nora yeah. no way! lol
2:15am: Jonathan i was the sexy shirtless guy
2:15am: Nora wat? lol hmm i dont recall that lol
2:16am: Jonathan wow u must've just missed me
2:17am: Jonathan where's you're sexting pictures I can't get off on these pics
2:21am: Nora lol shame on u@ lol those cost money! =D
2:21am: Jonathan im not your pimp hun
2:21am: Nora oh are u now?
2:21am: Jonathan im your knight in shining armor
2:26am: Nora ahaha. and im who?
2:27am: Jonathan your the giant sweet beer I get to drink at the end of the day
2:31am: Nora lol nice which beer?
2:31am: Jonathan hardly the naughty things I would do to that beer
2:32am: Nora hhaha. funny. Here i am ASSUMING ur gay... =/ hhhmmmm
2:34am: Nora did i offend u?
2:35am: Jonathan don't worry I plan on being very inappropriate and offensive
2:36am: Nora u already are! lol
2:36am: Jonathan yeah i bet you like it
2:37am: Nora hahahahaha. i enjoy the randomness people bring me in this life...
2:37am: Jonathan this life ? how many lives do you plan on having
2:38am: Nora well im not cat so i cant have 9 =/
2:38am: Jonathan so how many? number? 2:39am: Jonathan don't think too hard now
2:39am: Nora like 20~ lol shut up its 3am
2:39am: Jonathan 20?????
2:40am: Nora lol
2:40am: Jonathan that's cool as long as we can passionately fuck in all 20
2:40am: Nora OMG lol hhmmmm ...
2:41am: Jonathan it' okay if it's no in this life as long as it's in the other 19 hmmm... what?
2:42am: Nora nothin
2:43am: Jonathan that's nice it's almost 3am you gunna do something about that paper or you just gunna think about getting naked with me
2:43am: Nora lol i dont get naked with boys at 3am lol
2:44am: Jonathan i don't get naked with boys at 3am either
2:44am: Nora im finishing but ur offf-fully distracting
2:44am: Jonathan it's kind of a rule of mine
2:44am: Nora haha lol ok
2:44am: Jonathan yeah, i'd fuck you til morning but that' not until you get that paper done
2:45am: Nora jah haha for somereason i cnat take u seriously cause i still get that "gay" vibe from u. hhhmmm
2:45am: Jonathan yeah, i'm adorable
2:46am: Nora something like that....
2:46am: Jonathan how about you come over and find out for yourself
2:46am: Nora but in a gay way. noooo hhhmm dunno. just get that vibe.... i cant im waiting for my boy toy to get home. lol other... boytoy.
2:47am: Jonathan sweet so I'm after school snack? that's pitiful, who do you think I am
2:48am: Nora a square? lol 2:50am: Nora is offline. 2:51am: Nora is online.
2:52am: Jonathan you can't just be acting aloof now ms.* * * * *
2:55am: Nora sorry its like hella late, but early i dont even know
2:55am: Jonathan that's cool sweetheart
2:55am: Nora wherea re u?
2:56am: Jonathan im at home in my luxury apartment 2:58am: Jonathan you should come over 2:59am: Jonathan we can get a snuggle session in
3:01am: Nora lol. by luxury, do u mean like Daly Shitty one bedrromm aprtment? lol ima go home... my OTHER boytoy is waiting for me... ull get ur turn some other time.... Lol. peace out! imd donnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne
3:01am: Jonathan good nite
3:02am: Nora niiiiiiiiiiite. nice meeting u jon
3:02am: Jonathan u too sweet heart *hug and sexy kisses 3:06am: Nora is offline.
Okay, so it's kind of RSDish, forward, and aggressive. But, my whole persona when I met her was pretty RSDish, with the friends, and the blunt sexual enticement.
"Hey," I said stopping her after she got out of the grocery, "I just gotta say you're incredibly beautiful!" "Oh thank you!" she replied. "Are you from around here?" "Oh me and my boyfriend just moved from Boston."
Pick up should be such a primary part of people's lives because pick up entails love. And people who lack love lack passion. If you lack passion, your health and your wealth pillar will fail.
The gas station was only 2 blocks away. I could see people standing at the bus stop.
"Hey guys," I said rather out of breath as I ran to the bus stop, "So my car ran out of gas back there and I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me out."
After some consoling with each other, they agreed. It was 2 guys and 1 girl. The girl steered the car as us 3 guys pushed. As we pushed my car their bus came to pick them up, I promised them I would drop them off. I had probably already missed Kirsten by now, but I was still hoping. I dropped the crew off at Haight and worked my way back to where Kirsten worked. When I got to her work, I could see the lights weren't on through the windows. If Kirsten was there, she wasn't there anymore.
I wallowed myself over to the bars in Richmond. I knew if by some chance I wouldn't make it to Kirsten's work on time, it would be cool becauase then I would set off to Richmond to get in some much needed bar sarging time. But still, Kirsten not being there, I still sort of felt dwindled.
I scanned the first few bars. The first bar I went into seemed packed, but from wall to wall there was only Asian people. It was an Asian fire cracker party. I left and asked the bouncer what was up with all the Asian people. He replied by saying it was a birthday party. I'm not exactly into Asians. I'm not exactly into Asian game, it's a little different from normal game with any other American race.
I walked on the sidewalk peering into bars trying to figure out which bars were more packed than others, which type of sets were there, what type of people I was looking at approaching. I saw a girl from across the street go into your average Irish dive bar, The Bitter End. As I came in, I lost the girl, but I noticed one of those really hot college girls you see at college campus's that everyone drools over. She was part of a 3 set, as she fixed her hair into a pony tails, her arms pointing upwards.
I went over to the bar, made a tangent towards her, and tapped one of her elbows. "Hey," I said quickly, "You have incredibly sexy armpits!" She looked at me with a nervous weirded out type of look. After an unsuttle second, all her friends bursted out in laughter. I smiled and left over to the bar.
"So is that what you do?" I heard from behind me, "You're an armpit type of guy, how are my armpits?" said the other hot girl in her group. There was two hot girls and one sorta fatter plump girl in the group. I looked at her arm pits and poked at it. She huddled herself backwards and laughed. She was your normal party girl, your normal brunette party girl, pointy nose, poster unique features, you're average party girl. The blonde was your college angelic model, y'know that shy one, that you always wanted to talk to but would probably only date friend of a friend guys. She looked like a bitch.
We talked momentarily, "Hey," I said interrupting our conversation, "Hold on, I'm gunna grab a drink." I said as I left them. Behind me, I could hear the brunette say, "Hey Jon," I looked back, "I'm having a Budlight." I looked at them and said, "Umm okay. . ." One after another the fat girl and the blonde said, yeah me too. I payed no mind to them. As I waited to get a bartender's attention, I started chatting up one of the guys on a stool. He commented on my beer, Blue Moon.
I really shouldn't get her a beer. It was a shit test.
Shit-test: PUAlingo.com defines a shit test to be: often unconscious (and sometimes conscious) tests that women throw at men in order to quickly determine their social status. A shit test is a more specific instance of a “congruence test”.
Their full definition is: A shit test is when a woman gives a guy a hard time, usually for the purpose of seeing how he will react. Because women (especially attractive women) are hit on all the time, they have developed behaviors that quickly disqualify potential suitors that are not of a high enough value for her. The shit test is one way to do this. Shit tests can be challenges, IODs or reframes that an HB throws to test the PUA.
Usually women go out with the idea that if she flirts with a man he therefore will have to buy her a drink. Men who jump through these "hoops," usually plummel their efforts to get with the girl. In the end, she was just using you.
However! I was thinking about what I would actually say, if I came back to her set empty handed. And with 30 bucks in my pocket. I could practically buy her a drink. I eventually got her the drink and came back to the conversation. I asked her a lot of stuff, and then it got to be a getting to know each other interview, which sucked major ass. All three girls shared the same Budlight that I had bought them. I went through a couple routines, trying to fight off the fast pacing awkward silence coming and going into our conversation. I had several kino efforts, none worked.
. . . I should make a kino list right now to remind myself what I got. Will post that later.
As I was talking to her, and sort of not talking to her, I realized that my game has lost a lot of it's structure. Not only that, I was using that douchebag slightly shy tone where I was too laid back, and too cool for school, and not emphatic, and expressing joy. I was being that too cool to talk to you tone, which would probably work with friends, but going solo? No.
We tried to interact with her friends, but I kept failing, I kept hitting these question, answer, question asking purgatory, hold on I have another question, type of talking. I could see them packing to move to another bar and maybe catch the next low self esteem guy to buy them a beer. My target left me with the blonde and the fat girl and started talking to the 4 set of men at the next table. I'll be honest, I get jealous easily. I decided to leave. I went up to my target and gave her a kiss on the cheek, "You're leaving already," she asked. Of course I'm leaving, I did do everything wrong.
I left and came back. I opened a two set, got their attention, got in a few lines, but I couldn't hook before their other friends came through the door to take them away from me. Whatever, next bar.
I went down to Abbey's Tavern. It was covered wall to wall, and I was amazed. I couldn't tell what the time was, but I was pretty sure it was late. I really should designate days to go out sarging alone. I went over to the bar and asked the bartender if it was usually this packed and he replied that this was actually less packed than it should be. Beyond the bar on the other side of the wooden counter I could see my next target. I walked over to her; I call this the honest-explanation opener:
"Hey, so I just saw you from all the way across the bar, you are incredibly sexy!"
She reacted with joyful confidence and we were getting into a conversation, but one by one all 5 of her friends started leaving her. She ultimately had to leave. She told me to stay still and she'll be back, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that that's just something people say.
I walked by to the pool table.
I really have never been able to get that confident party guy mindset without a friend with me, and that was really just one time. I was practically still in that, shy guy but really need to do approaches, mindset. Changing mindsets are completely different in day game. You don't exactly need that loud-confidence, you just need to be confident enough to make your approach and tweak your game just enough so that you're not being too forward and personal.
As I was staring at the pool table being incredibly AFC, I saw a girl I thought was getting yelled at by some guy. It felt like a normal ex fighting with her ex situation. I watched just a little, and the guy ended up kissing her cheek, but in a very dirty try-too-hard seductive European douchebag type of way. Love or war, I was going to make this approach.
Some people think this is probably a stupid thing to do and is pretty much just asking to get into a fight. On the contrary, I've only been in one fight at a bar over a woman, and I won. I kicked his gaunt Chinese ass and wiped the floor with his face. This here on the other hand can work very well. Usually the guy who's overly aggressively with his kino tactics and his physical expectations would most likely ruin himself by just doing so, and if I could hook her in conversation I could pretty much make that guy look pretty AFC. (AFC as in beta, weak, retarded)
"Hey," I said getting the attention of both of them, "I don't know if this is you're girlfriend or anything, but I just got to say," I faced the girl, "she is absolutely beautiful." "Oh she is beautiful isn't she?" the accented man said. He was you're kinda Spanish flair, y'know the guys with 5 buttons only two buttons on his polo buttoned, sweaty curly hair, sweaty everything actually, it looked like he had a miniature spray bottle that he probably sprayed on several times before he met someone. He was one of those complete international douchebags, it was obvious! When he talked it sounded like he was slurring saliva in his mouth and indulging in sourdough bread all at the same time.
The girl on the other hand rocked bleached white blonde hair. She was super stylish. She was skinny, and her face was incredibly beautiful. The guy backed off and left me with her, I think he came by once and kissed her knuckle in some creepy shinanigan. I pulled up a lot of things, some kino here and there, I kept playing with her hair, I pulled her hand up to make a palm read and she called me out on it, we talked about fashion and how she was from L.A. but she looked like the pin-up girl for San Francisco. It was when she mentioned that all the guys playing pool, all of them, were her friends. All 6 of them. That's literally 6 male obstacles. 6 male orbiters. (I'll write a thread about orbiters later.) I stayed in set. Obstacles really aren't that hard when you think about it. But, she then mentioned that she had a boyfriend. She could've been lying, but the truth is, boyfriend or not, she said that because she wasn't interested. I left.
I opened one more set before the lights signaled that it was game over for tonight. That last set expressed a boyfriend dilemma quickly on. I left the building. Someone called me a fucker for some reason, I think I was laughing at them. It was a totally AFC bar night.
* * * * * * *
I went into my car and headed over to my friend's work. I parked my car in his work garage, witnessed a fight, talked for awhile, and ended up walking to Subway, the sandwich place.
As I was on the street I saw a really pretty lady crossing the street. She was a lady, not a girl, not a fat adult woman, she was a lady wearing heals, a trenchcoat, and a cute puffy little hat.
We stood on the corner of the street; the stoplights overhead. I stared at her for a long period purposefully. As she turned to look back at me, I turned away. She laughed. "I just, really think you're pretty," I said without looking at her.
"Oh thank you, that's so sweet," she replied. We started chatting as we crossed the street until she mentioned that the bus that was stopping in front of us was the bus that she had to get on. This was good, this was a time constraint. Well it wasn't as good as it could've been, but it did tend to make her make a decision on whether or not to give me her number on a whim.
"I don't have a phone right now," I said automatically number closing her. "You could remember it," she said as she relayed her phone number. It was an easy number to remember.
As she got onto the bus I walked up to the Westin Hotel and asked the front desk for a pen. I started writing the girl's phone number on my arm. "I just met a really beautiful young lady," I said to the front desk. First number of the night.
I opened another set at Subway, but it wasn't anything special. I'm actually just really tired of this day and just ready to move on to my next post.
If you have any question about the terminology I used, leave me a comment. If you have any comments, suggestions, relative feedback, do what you must in the comment section.
Fairytales. Fairytales never start good and end good. They start bad. Sometimes they start horrible, even horrific. But they end good. They end with happily ever afters, sunrises, and happy faces.
The theme of all fairytales is hope.
. . . and I am hopeful.
What type of relationship material are PUA's good for?
