I thought of her today...

I thought of her today. Pais. I was watching Daybreakers, and there's a girl in the movie that I'm not happy to say, didn't end well storywise. It's awfully easy how anything can trigger oneitis chemicals; it's like a needy serotonin kind of. The girl in Daybreakers was found running away from confining normalcy. Her hair and smile, her rogue confidence, it all reflected Pais; probably in ways that I'm overimagining.

Pais, the girl I've made such a mess about on 20sb, the facebook girl who deleted me. I thought about finally sending her a message. I thought about keeping in touch. But, I know me, I'm far from ready. Not that I'm ready in context with my social venusian whatever you call it. But that I'm not ready as a man, or a man boy, not a child who sleeps at his sister's house 5 days out of the week, not a boy who spends his days reading and his nights writing. Not that boy. I'm just a weak pathetic young man, who can't take anyone's advice seriously. There's nothing to show, there's nothing to DHV. I know as time persists, anything I send her will be amounted to needy and probably brushed off. I know. . . actually I don't know. Because I don't know...

I just don't know. This rant has reached it's way into an objective crisis, and I just don't know. Whatever I do, I'll probably not end up anywhere. Whatever, I do, should move on and cut it all out, force it all out. Change thoughts, keep busy, it's the only thing I can do. But, now I'm ranting with no particular direction, and I don't like that. I don't like talk.

I like forward movement. Planning. Initiative. Something that I didn't have when I started this blog, and it's something I don't have as I'm closing it. I need a plan, which entails that I'll also be thinking about her. Pais.