List

Some nights, okay most nights, I take a walk around the empty parking lot at Safeway. It gives me time to think, not to mention fresh air which is rare living where I live. I haven't worked out much lately, I've been having a lot of sex with a person I really care for, and I've lost a lot of weight; I know this because my medium v neck shirts don't fit anymore. The weight of polluted horded air has been weighing down my lungs, it's not helping that my thyroid is going through one of it's seasonal waves where my heartbeats are palpitating more than usual.

Yep, despite the one girl keeping me steady here, she's beautiful by the way, other than her, I'm pretty much depressed. I can't get a job, I can't get out of here, I'm going through the same thing I've been going in and out of for the past three years, and the thyroid ain't helping. I can't talk to women much, because the quickened metabolism keeps tweaking me, and I can't keep my hands steady. Confidence at it's seasonal low. Yeah, I'm depressed, scattered, complaining, and panic'y. And what do we do when we panic? We make a list.

What do I want to do?

I want to go to college in Oregon. I want to travel to New Zealand and live off apple orchards. I want to go to London. Fly planes, write books, read more, write books. I want to get out of here.

What can I do right now?

Thursdays vocational work orientation, wish me luck. I just can't get a normal job, I throw out 11 resumes online a day. I can blog, I can keep busy. Watch episodes of Glee and Friends, mask the fact that I am where I am.

What's keeping me here? The thoughts that I don't care much about right now.

257 dollars in Credit Card debt.
200 dollars I owe to my auntie.
The lack of a job, car, a place to stay.
Maybe I could just peddle, and bum around. I spent most of my life being a street rat anyways, I minus well take a chance on it.
Metabolic diseases that I just happen to grab and keep for the rest of my life.
There is waaay more to this category.

What are the good things keeping me here?

Good friends. Friends I haven't had awhile. Not just the very good friend, singular, that I have in certain semesters of my life. But good friends, that hang out and that I do things with.

Her. I know I'm going to miss here whenever I do leave this rat hole. She's so emotionally tender with me. She knows I'm breaking down a lot, and she understands that. It's hard living where I am. I only see her every other week, as she does live two cities away, but an hour train ride away. After awhile, I've found out that it's really hard to sleep alone.