Dreams don't Lie

The white stones were lined with green vines. The grass was that yellow green green grass that shined in the sunlight. It was one of those perfect weather days, with a slight brushstroke of clouds lightly detailing the sky. I took my duffel bag and threw up across my shoulder to meet our new cross country team. I must've said something stupid because when we were in the pool, everyone was looking at me as if they wished I wasn't alive. I didn't sleep to well in the dorms that night.

I woke up and walked out the school to meet my team. I was supposed to be the captain, but no one liked me. As I walked I stared at the golden lights on the white branch trees. I stared at them from below, as if I was actually crawling instead of walking. I walked over the stone bridge, the greenery hanging over the ledge, an almost dried up creek streaming minimally under it. I could see my team. I didn't want to hang around with them. I was the captain.

I could see the other people in a circle up on the other side of the bridge. I knew they were talking about me. I knew it. I walked up to all of them. One thing happened and I was yelling at one person. One Asian, fat, pathetic person, and he looked at me with shifty unconcerned eyes and said, "I don't want to talk to you." They walked. I stood on the bridge alone.

I sat in class, my thoughts ripping my from the inside. I sat in class, looked at my binder paper and looked up. The trees hung loosely on the windows, and I could see the sun, the sky, the grass. Ethan, my best friend, left weeks ago. He doesn't come to class anymore. I wanted more people to respect him leaving. I wanted them to understand he was a good person.

Our teacher walked around with a copy of one of Ethan's writing. Today, we were going to talk about what Ethan did wrong. Why Ethan's a horrible person, and mock him so we could all feel better about ourselves. I saw the piece of paper on crumbled and straightened binder paper. His writing incredibly crooked leaning to the left. Every letter sung off the binder rulings and made me little inside.

Yesterday I was disrespectful. I woke up today thinking I could be a different person. I woke up today knowing that the problem was inside me, and everyone was standing on the side watching. Today, with Ethan's piece of binder paper held up in front of my face by the teacher, I'm lost.

"What the fuck is this, who the fuck do you think you are. You're mocking my best friend. You're mocking my bestfriend."

The teacher looked at me with a courageous smile, "Aren't you the one who said we should remember him."

I could feel my face. I was defeated. I failed at doing everything I've ever tried to accomplish and everything I've ever accepted myself as. I couldn't be team captain, I couldn't be part of my family, I couldn't be anyone. In a world filled with wrong people, all I could be is honest with myself. All I could be is the worst.

My classmate looked up at me, "Who's Ethan?" he said with a puzzled special reprimand.

"HE'S IN JAIL! HE RAPED SOMEONE, AND HE'S IN JAIL!" I yelled as I started crying, "WHAT DO YOU WANT! DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER! KNOWING THAT YOU'RE BETTER, is that what you want. Because we're not better. You've made us this way. What do you want from us! WHAT DO YOU WANT!"

I sat in my seat and felt my stomach thin. I couldn't stop shaking as I put my arms crossed on the table and started crying. I could feel the shear warmth of my tears slide over my arms and onto my desk. I could feel the heat from my shoulders perspire through my cotton shirt. I could feel myself release.

The teacher left. A girl in front of me turned around, and said, "fucking jon! fuckin tornado."

Stop it. Just stop.

"What's your problem."

Stop. Just please stop.

"No, seriously! Why are you acting like this???"

Just STOP!

I could feel my body unravel the seat, my hands wrapped around the face of the person next to me. "What do you want! WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME!"

A boy from the back row spoke from where he sat, "What are you talking about? You're the problem."

"You want a fucking problem, you want a fucking problem! I'll show you a fucking problem." I took someone's milky drink and threw it across the room, landing it on some bald small chinese kid I didn't care for. "I don't even know him. I'll hurt everyone. I will kill everyone! I'll show you a fucking plague."

I threw the boy that was standing in my way down and left. The sunlight and trees breathing through an open door. I walked over the dirt floor, the grass patches randomly somewhere beneath my shoes, over to the cliff. Next to the opening of the cliff were houses. To stand on the roof of a house was only a small hop away. I wanted to hide somewhere and there was a small space between the dirt wall and the house, where I wanted to sit.

I stepped down and crawled further. And then I couldn't move. I was stuck. I looked up, waiting yet to panic. I stared above ground to see the wall of a building. I continued to try to climb out and it wasn't working. A tiny girl, a child, walked passed the wall and I could see her. Her small innocent complexion and her hair rapped into a small bun.

"Oh, you're stuck here because you held yourself hostage," she said her words speaking proclaiming truths. I am stuck. I am stuck.

Ethan's mom walked out the wall with joy blanketing her face. I pulled myself out, patted the dirt off my knees, and stood above ground. Ethan's mom brought me someone to talk to. He walked passed the wall, and I could see him. He wasn't Ethan's dad. He wasn't anyone I knew. I looked at his face and figured he looked trust worthy. I watched them walk towards me.

"I need help," I said. I need help.

* * * * *

I woke up, dark in my room. I could hear my brother yelling at my mom again.